incredible book dedication
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A double negative is a big no-no.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?