*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.