If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
You Might Also Like
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*weighs self after shaving
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.