I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Baller is short for ballerina
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.