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@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

@AlexRogaski

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@AbbieEvansXO

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

@jonnysun

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

@ericsshadow

[at my high school reunion]

Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb’s house?

“Dude that was in 1991.”

@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@Contwixt

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

@HispanicIcon

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened