Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound
When you know your about to be spammed on #tinder
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.
“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!