When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Fights fire with marshmallows
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
In case you needed to hear it:
Wait a minute…
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.