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@Mardigroan

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

@007Rex_Inc

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@fowlerism

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

@TheMichaelRock

Breaking News: Playboy to eliminate nude pictures from their magazine.

“What’s a magazine?” asked every guy under 30.

@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@RunOldMan

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!