My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I feel attacked.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat