Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.