My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Whoa 😂
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…