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@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

@Cyd10e

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@HenpeckedHal

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

@wolfpupy

i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels

@AndRyanTF

GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?

Me – Huh?