They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
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If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
i feel like most people have forgotten why we were robbing this jewellery store in the first place, for the jewels
GF – What’s that beeping?
Me – Fasten Seatbelt Alarm.
GF – How can you ignore something so annoying?
Me – Huh?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.