So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Come back with a warrant
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I am also baked goods
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.