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@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@FunnyBison

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

@TheCatWhisprer

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@ItsAndyRyan

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?