Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
You Might Also Like
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Well, this explains it:
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
How your email finds me
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING