Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
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[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?