me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
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Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
So we got a goldfish…
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!