Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
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“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”
teller: ok, how much do you have?
“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”
I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.