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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.

@SortaBad

“I’d like to make a large cash deposit”

teller: ok, how much do you have?

“Wow can’t a guy just share his dreams without being pressured?”

@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

@amhw

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

@aotakeo

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@MomOnFire

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

@Stap_Jr

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

@NJFreudian

Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.