Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Ferrari squats
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.