SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose