My stupid belt shrunk again today.
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again