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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”


Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.


Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.


ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in


My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.


Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”


I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.


My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.