If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
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#titanic
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
X-tra spooky blend