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@ch000ch

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

@Probgoblin

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

@KentWGraham

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

@Brampersandon_

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

@KentWGraham

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

@aparnapkin

Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”

@the_mom_dot_com

I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.