Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Ron is short for Aaronald
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’m giving up for Lent.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument