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@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!

@GrillinChillin9

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@LostFelicia

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@Parkerlawyer

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

@YSylon

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?