🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Well, this certainly took a turn