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Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!


Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.


My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”


[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?