My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You Might Also Like
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie