A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
good work, detective