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@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@prufrockluvsong

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

@iAmDelFreaky

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

@LizHackett

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

@starwarsshirt

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@tamytoo2

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.

@MsCarlissima

To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.