Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.