When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Don’t snitch tag.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Dance like you’re not the father
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”