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@TeamPHumor

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

@8bitf0x

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@therepoguy

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

@wesleybordelon

Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?

@o__0Dev

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@nbadag

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@flashember

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on