Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on