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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house


what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks


I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.


“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.


Hey guys, what’s the name of that movie where Michael Cera plays a socially awkward teenager?


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that


Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss


When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on