Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
some things should go without saying
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once