DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.