Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?