My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
How dude HOW?!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.