You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows

@anerdonfire2

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

@supermarkusa

I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair

@emmaberen

with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.