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@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

@Iaughing

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

@Tmoney68

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@lisaxy424

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

@ItsAndyRyan

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.