If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
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Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.