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If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.


Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.


Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.


[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you


*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”


*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?


Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.


A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.