Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
wtf is a larm clock?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier: