“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price