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INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*


Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”


Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!


You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.


sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you


JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY


Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food


[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm


Yes, it’s a dairy farm


Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?


I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life