[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry