ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub