*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs