if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with