Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”