I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*