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@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@avaricious1

How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.

@keeperoftheday

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@girlontapas

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

@seanscrap

Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.