Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.