Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.
Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.