*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
mariah carrie
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
When ur friends with white people
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross