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me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.