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HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.


When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”


Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.