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@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@flashember

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@daemonic3

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@cool_as_heck

Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s