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Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.


I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.


Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.


i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere


My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.


I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.


I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.


Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.