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@aquinton

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

@NewDadNotes

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER