Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.