Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The government even made aliens boring
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”