Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Hyena: what’s my name again?
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER