Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS!!!
1): Hold your breath for 5 minutes