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@NewDadNotes

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

@mermaidsluvwine

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

@ikasliwal

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@DearAuntAbby

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.