Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.