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@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@SamuelHLowe

It’s not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@juneohara65

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

@shatty48

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

@Moldy_Jellybean

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.