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Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud


If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.


I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”


Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.


[running from cop]

*cop catches me*

“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”

*pulls jellyfish from pocket*

“Look they were all out of tazers”



-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning


To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.


Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: what
Evil Queen: mirror-
Hand Mirror: WHAT
Evil Queen: on the wall
Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.