Hmm, not sure about this change
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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Breaking news:
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.