How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
this is the best interaction on twitter
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.