I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
You Might Also Like
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more