Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
synchronized noseblowing
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
i will not be silenced
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.