Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
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HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I found my people and neither them nor I are happy about it
FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party
*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?