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Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!


Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.


[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now



bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size


How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?


“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”


I’m only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers


Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.


Marriage is sweet, but when you marry the wrong person, it’s like COVID-19 you will be recording new cases everyday🤧