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@Mom_Overboard

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@JPHaddadio

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

@IjeomaOluo

FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@nachosarah

my new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone’s having a party

@trojansauce

*wears one gryffindor and one slytherin sock to work to represent the internal human struggle between good and evil*

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?