Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
IT’S-A ME,