I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”