Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.